Do you know your child’s love language?

28 Mar
Cover of "The Five Love Languages of Chil...

Cover of The Five Love Languages of Children

This may not be an easy question to answer if you have not read The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D.

According to Chapman and Campbell the five love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service.  Their thesis is that we all have a preferred love language through which we understand and receive love.  Simply put, if love is being expressed in a different “language” than the one that we speak, it is very likely that the love will not be felt, understood, and received.  For parents who have a child that they love but the child always acts as if they feel unloved, this information will be a blessing.

In a revealing passage of the book the authors ask several children how they know that their parents love them.  One says, “I know they love me because they always give me extra hugs and kisses.”  Another answers, “I love my mother because she loves me.  Every day she tells me that she loves me.  I think my father does too, but he never tells me so.”  Still another says, “I know my dad loves me because he spends time with me.  We do lots of things together.  He has season tickets to the Wake Forest football games and we never miss a game.”  You get the picture.

The book goes on to give you tools to allow you to identify which love language your child speaks, how to use their primary love language in the context of discipline, learning to deal with anger through their love language, and even speaking the love languages in your marriage.

The authors believe that unconditional love is the foundation to communication.  Personally, the best tool that I have found to express unconditional love is to separate the child himself from the child’s behaviour.  For example, if a child is whining or throwing a fit, you tell them that you love them and that you will always love them no matter what, however, you do not like it when they choose to have bad behavior (name the behavior here in order to make sure they understand what you are referring to and exactly what you expect).  This does two things.  First, it lets them know that they are loved and that they are good (because they do not feel empowered to change who they are).  Secondly, it shows them that their behavior is a choice, and a choice is a simple thing to change making it an easy thing to do to please you.

I think that if you apply this technique calmly, firmly, and in a consistent manner in a very short time you are likely to experience miraculous change.

Once you have created this safe space to operate within with your children you can then begin working on understanding and speaking to them in their primary love language.   Of course remember, being  multi-lingual is best!

So what is your primary love language.  What makes you know that you are loved?

Check out the article below to take a quick 5 Love Languages Quiz.


One Response to “Do you know your child’s love language?”


  1. The importance of reading with your child | The Real Supermum Blog - March 28, 2011

    […] Do you know your child’s love language? ( […]

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